Dear Dr. Kevorkian:
I’ve followed your extinguished career for years and was at wit’s end with anger when that publicity-seeking DA terminated your career and sent you to prison and not even a prison where you could have aided in executions. Now thank god that’s ended, so I’m writing to request your assistance. I’m suffering from a fatal disease with no hope of recovery. Some days are unbearable, and I’m afraid to travel, so can you visit me in Boston to assist me in taking my own life? If you’re too busy, which I can understand, will you please recommend the best way to do-in myself?
Thank you.
Very truly yours,
Kermit Remkit, AB. ADD. DID. OCD. PTSD.
Dear Family and Friends,
Bet you’re surprised to hear from me and hope this missive is reaching you at an opportune time. Been meaning to write to you for years but you know what happens, stuff gets in the way and before you know it your life is flashing before your eyes and you don’t know where the time went, well I know, it followed all forty time zones or what and just burned out. That’s life for you. I’m sure you understand.
I sure would like to have seen you one more time, but I’m dying from an incurable disease that has been causing me more pain than joy, and it will only get worse, so I’m writing now to beg your assistance, just a little advice, please, before I’m put in a nursing home, where it will be out of my control, I’m going to end my life but, because I live in a state where assisted suicide is illegal, I’m looking for a way I can do it myself. When I wrote to Dr. Kevorkian, I got the following response:
Dear Mr. Kermit Remkit:
Dr. Jack died in 2011. In any case, he would not have been able to help you as he was forbidden to give advice of this kind as a condition of his parole. Maybe your natural death won’t be as bad as you expect. However it ends, we wish you the best of luck.
Margie Mirage
Estate of Jack Kevorkian, M.D.
That was very inconsiderate of him to die prematurely, of course, but what can you do? We all have to go sometime. So can you give me an idea on how to do it? I’ll be eternally grateful. I hope you and your family are well.
Love,
Kermit
Dear Kermit,
Oh my God. Oh my God. I can’t bear the thought of losing you. Please. Please. As hopeless as you think your condition is, there’s always hope. There has to be hope. Have you thought of journeying to Lourdes? Every day, the sick are cured of diseases after doctors have given up on them. Don’t give up on yourself. I’ll pray for you.
You want to enter heaven, don’t you? Not burn in hell for eternity. God doesn’t approve of suicide. One of the Ten Commandments says Thou Shall Not Kill. That means killing yourself, too. I’m sure you’ve read the Bible. Here are just two passages that amplify that message:
And I give to them eternal life, and they shall never perish, neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand.” (John 10:28)
Be not overly wicked, neither be a fool. Why should you die before your time?” (Ecclesiastes 7:17)
My heart is breaking. Life is too precious to give it up. God will take you when He’s ready. However, if you must, (who am I to judge) giving that you live in the city, and I’m not condoning this, you could jump in front of a subway train.
I’m praying for you in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.
Amen,
Lydia
Dear Kermit,
I’m truly sorry that you’re nearing the end. I haven’t seen you for quite a while and do hope the intervening years have been kind to you. I would hate for you or anyone to suffer unnecessarily but, as your former therapist, following New York law and professional ethics, I cannot recommend any method of suicide. The only thing I can say is nobody can force you to eat. I had a patient who went home from the hospital with a terminal diagnosis and didn’t want to go through hopeless treatment and intense pain, so she just stopped eating and drinking and died eleven days later. She hired people to moisten her lips and mouth and clean her when she became too weak to get to the bathroom. You still do that even after you stop eating. She also had her legal affairs in order and left a note that her actions were determined solely by her to take the onus off of caregivers and family. I hope all goes well.
Warmest regards,
Luther Hurtle, MSW. PhD
Dear Kermit,
Oh well. You’ve lived your life so precariously, I’m surprised you’ve lived this long. If you want to save money (ha ha!) I recommend the following:
Jump from a high place. A bridge is one possibility, but there is the risk that you may not die. Better to jump from a high building, from at least the thirteenth floor (marked fourteenth in most buildings.) If you want to experience the greatest thrill, jump from the roof or observation deck of a really tall building. People who jumped on 9/11 experienced the advantage of a ten-second freefall. Nobody got to interview them on whether or not their lives flashed before them, but I imagine you could do a fair amount of review in that time.
In case anyone’s watching, you may consider doing flips or barrel rolls or summon Superman by wearing a cape and spreading your arms and legs in a headfirst tumble. Remember to smile.
You might want to bring a cell phone and tell someone what you’re feeling on the way down. That snippet could go viral, giving you a once-in-a-lifetime chance at ten seconds of fame. Just don’t call me – I’m not proficient with electronics and would probably mess up the recording.
Now, many people will think you’re a maniac, but some might realize once you’re gone that they actually did love you.
‘Til death do us part,
Your second ex-wife,
Betsy
Dear Kermit,
Your news makes me sad. Too bad you can’t visit. When was the last time? It seems like just yesterday. It must be thirty years. Time just flies by. Our lives are so busy. You were married to Betsy.
I live in New Mexico. Suicide is legal here. But you have to live here. I researched this when Cecil escaped. He was my little love. A coyote got him. I wanted to follow. Gaylord talked me out of it. He’s my parrot.
Get a can of helium. Like they fill balloons with. A plastic bag. Tape. Valium and anti-gag medicine. Put bag over head. Seal with tape. Inhale helium. It won’t take long. Don’t change your mind halfway. You’ll get brain noodles. And keep do-gooders away. They might stop you.
Good luck. I’ll think of you.
Your friend,
Allison
Hey Kermit,
I bin lookin for you. you tink da 50 grand you cos me just spit, huh? youse lucky I dint fine you. if youse a man, you git a 22 and lode it wit a hallo point. Put in you mouth. ame it at you brane. Skwese da triga. you wont feel a ting. if yous a chiken I git youse sombody do it fer 5 grand. Is cheep no? best a luk.
Elbert Treble
Dear Kermit,
Lucy and I were wondering what happened to you when you didn’t visit our new place. We’re enjoying it like all get out. We sure don’t miss the snow and our new pool is the cat’s meow. We thought maybe you had the flu or something. Didn’t realize it was so serious. We’re both sorry to hear about your condition.
I didn’t show Lucy your question about taking your own life. She woulda birthed a cow, you know what I mean? She can’t take things like that with her nervous condition. I gave it some thought, though. Naturally since I was an electrician, hey you should see the Christmas display I rigged up. Best in the neighborhood. People around here want me to set up their lights for next season. I bet I could make enough to buy that trailer Lucy and I always talked about. Then we could see the world – all 48 states. Too old to drive to Alaska.
As to ending it all, you remember that penny shock machine in Nill’s Store you used to enjoy so much? It made me think of the solution for you. Fill your bathtub with nice warm water, may as well be comfortable, plug in a lamp with no bulb, turn it on and drop it in. That would beat the thrill of that shock machine, I guarantee you! Good luck. Maybe we’ll see you in heaven. But even that place would be hard pressed to beat what we have here. Sorry you couldn’t join us before you go.
With all our love,
Peter and Lucy
Dear Kermit,
Get some rope, tie it firmly around a branch a few feet above your head, make a noose, (see attached diagram) stand on a chair, slip your neck into the noose, and kick the chair over. For faster results, climb high in a tree and jump with the noose around your neck to free fall fifteen or twenty feet. This will break your neck resulting in nearly instant death. You’ve seen this in old Westerns, I’m sure. For additional pleasure, do this while playing a recording of Billie Holiday’s “Strange Fruit.”
Hanging loose,
Your old friend,
Bart
Dear Mr. Remkit,
It has been such a long time, my old friend. Where have you been keeping yourself? Perhaps it was something I said. If so, I wholeheartedly apologize. Never too late for that, is it? I find it difficult to fathom that you would wish to do such a dastardly deed as to end your life. You wouldn’t kid with us, would you? Why would I think that? As a gentleman, one must take you at your word. My advice is to put your head in an old-fashioned oven and turn on the gas as we used to do before we discovered how to sex children in the womb.
Sorry we can’t be together again. Farewell, my boy. I wonder what you’ll come back as. My guess: a raven.
Your humble servant,
Hash
Dear Dad,
Is this another one of your tricks? You never told me you were ill. If it’s true, and you’re sure you have to do it, make sure your suicide looks like an accident. I recommend that you crash your car at high speed into something solid like a giant tree, and don’t buckle your seatbelt. In your old car I don’t think you have airbags to worry about. And make sure you don’t kill anybody else. If you don’t like that idea, take pills. You may be able to get a doctor to say it was a natural death. But don’t leave a suicide note or your life insurance may not pay. Let me know if there’s any way I can assist you.
Before you go, please send me a note with the name and contact information of your lawyer, so I can let him know where to send my inheritance.
Hugs n kisses,
Abby
Hey Kermit,
I’m sorry to hear of your problem. If you’re sure that you want to end your life do as Nike says, just do it. Couldn’t help that. Anyway your question comes at the right time. There are plenty of ways to end your life, but why not go out in style? I just received a shipment of genuine knockoffs of samurai tanto knives. You’ve heard of hara-kiri, haven’t you? The most honorable way to go. I’ve enclosed a brochure of what I have available. I’d recommend the Golden Emperor model. I’ll personally sharpen the carbon steel blade so you get a clean incision.
I also happen to have instructions that I copied from the samurai bushido honor code on the fine art of seppuku (hara-kiri), which I’ll throw in at no charge. Sorry there’s no video, but you’re a smart guy and I’m sure you can figure it out. You want to get it right the first time.
If you have someone who can film you doing it (be sure to dress properly and don’t be afraid to smile) I’ll pay good money for the exclusive rights to use that video.
Even though we haven’t done any business in years, I’m going to miss you. Best of luck.
Sayonara.
The Closeout King,
Rocco
Hi Kermit,
You’re still alive? Who woulda thunk it? Why’d you wait until you’re dying to contact me? I’m sorry to hear that you’re suffering, so I’ll try to help you.
You were always interested in nature. As it happens, I became a park ranger and have traveled the world, exploring rain forests and other habitats as well as hosting many scientists in our national parks.
So, maybe it’s a crazy idea, but have you considered a natural death by wildlife? I’m not talking about being eaten by a shark, crocodile or polar bear though, with global warming, they need all the help they can get. No, I’m thinking about a small venomous creature that can be brought to you.
My first choice would be the African black mamba, whose bite can kill a human in minutes, but this is a large reptile to try and sneak through Customs and getting an import license would take too long. The new world coral snake might be a good choice. My friend Harry would like to record and monitor your death if you choose this option. as it’s an uncommon phenomenon and, just think, you’d be advancing science. He’d be happy to bring you a bunch of them, so your death would be assured.
Harry could also obtain South American poison dart frogs. Amazon tribes use the poison they excrete for their blowgun darts to kill animals. You can die just touching them. I wonder how many people died before figuring that out? Considering your name, wouldn’t death by frog be perfect?
So think about it and if any of these strike your fancy let me know. In any case, I’ll be sorry to see you go.
Your childhood friend,
Forest Foster
Dear Kermit,
It’s about time! I wish you had done this before we met. It would have saved me and everyone else you were with a lifetime of agony. In your case, do what those monks did during the Vietnam War: soak yourself with gasoline and light a match.
Good riddance!
Faye
Dear Family and Friends,
Mr. Kermit Remkit is no longer with us. As per his wishes there will be no memorial service. He asks that in lieu of flowers, you please send a contribution to the Kermit Fund, supporting assisted suicide. You can pay through PayPal with this link, https://www.paypal.com/x.kermit or you can mail a check to the Kermit Fund, PO Box K9, Boston, MA 02100.
He thanked you in advance and wished each of you a long, healthy life.
Sincerely,
Kerry Kidnot, Esq.
Executioner of Estates
P.S. If you contribute $499, the fund has authorized me to send you a true collector’s item: a miniature engraved silver urn containing 3 1/2 grams of Kermit’s ashes. Supplies limited.
