The Perfect Roommate


I am responding to your ad in the Inwood Gazette
for a roommate. I don’t smoke, watch football, or
leave the toilet seat raised. I pay my rent two months
in advance, always turn off the lights when I leave a
room, and answer the phone on the first ring. I take
down complete messages, but can be discreetly
vague with collection agencies, whose tones I
detect, being a reluctant psychic. I have no pets, no
allergies, and rarely eat. When I do, it’s always
vegan takeout — and I recycle or eat my utensils.
I don’t steal or snoop. I ride my bike everywhere,
have no friends, no car, and take pride in being
virtually invisible when home. I’ll leave your food
in the fridge alone, will always refill the ice trays,
and I love taking out the trash. In short, I am the
perfect roommate, the one you are looking for,
have been looking for since your husband left.
I know. I’ve been watching.