The Righteous Brothers McCandless

I wasn't going to die after all, not in the physical sense anyway. He had given me a choice.

“I said, what's it gonna be boy?” James stepped closer demanding an answer as his brother Roy held me captive from behind, blade in hand. His voice oozed “backwoods”, and grease seeped from his pores. I spoke softly as to not risk slicing my neck open before he was prepared to do so himself.

“I'm sorry. What are my options again?” James landed the butt of his thirty aught rifle directly in my gut and I fell hard to the ground, fighting for air almost as hard as I had fought for my life across most of Jackson County. Part of me was proud it had taken them this long to get me. That part of me hadn't been informed of the current situation though.

“I'm a tell you one more time, just 'cause I like to hear me talk.” James held the rifle on his shoulder and strutted around on the pulpit in his ratty overalls like the cock that he is. Back and forth he went, playing to the drama. “You broke the law, you see? And there's a price, that you must pay, for your crime. Now, since all those commie pinko homos weaseled their way into our po-litical system right under our noses, your crime is not punishable under the great state of Tennessee's legalities. So Roy,” James stopped his strut, pivoting to face us, “how does one commit a crime that is not punishable by the law of the land?”

“It's God's law,” Roy leaned over from behind me and smiled, “sinner.”

“Yes! God's law. And although we are not here to judge you for your actions, the duty of carrying out the Lord's punishment has been bestowed upon us, the righteous brothers McCandless.”

The crime he was referring to was the date I'd had with their sister Allison. It hadn't occurred to either of them that she had asked me out. It was an average first date filled with pleasant conversation over a forgettable dinner followed by a cheesy movie. I held her hand, but only when she insisted, and when I dropped her off it wasn't even eleven o'clock yet. I suppose everything would have been fine if that was the end of it. But when I leaned in to kiss her goodnight, the darkness exploded with the cries of the McCandless warriors.

They had appeared from each side of the moonlit farmhouse with a savage fury. They had rage in their eyes, and weapons held high. Allison's nubile face acquired a look of irritation under her smooth, dark hair.

“Dang you James, Roy! Why can't you boys just mind your own business?” She turned and yelled my name, but I was already halfway down the drive. I'd been warned about the brothers, and even though I figured the stories had been exaggerated, I wasn't about to kiss her with my eyes closed. If I had, I might have met my maker on the McCandless' front lawn. But I didn't.

I ran.

I ran as fast as I think I've ever ran in my whole life. I was all regional track back in high school, but it's different when you're running for your life rather than just for the sake of running.

I know what you're thinking, I'm over reacting. Why would those guys kill me just for almost kissing their sister? Well, I haven't the faintest idea. What I do know is that when you're being chased by two crazy, gun wielding grease monkeys, you have two options. Run or die.

So, like I said, I ran.

I ran all the way back to town. Four miles and I didn't even look back once. Down the dirt road and across the pasture. I cut through the junkyard and hid in the back of an old Ford 100. I waited to see if I could hear the McCandless boys on my trail, but the night had regained its silence and with that came some sort of sanity. I wondered how I was going to get my car back once this whole thing blew over.

Just as I had caught my breath and was able to start thinking clearly, the resident watchdog's bark sent another burst of adrenaline through my veins and launched me over the side of the rusted out bed of the truck.

Dodging antique bumpers and hollow transmissions, I could hear the vicious beast closing in on my right and the hollers of the brothers behind me.

“There he is!”

“Ain't nowhere you can hide from the hand of God boy! You best give up now!”

I scaled the flimsy chain link fence with ease and left the dog snarling behind me as I turned and ran towards my apartment. Why the dog had chosen to pursue me and not them was a mystery, I've always been good with animals.

I stopped a block away from home and looked around. The streetlamps lit the sidewalks of the sleeping town and the familiar silence was eerily unfamiliar. My shirt was soaked with sweat and sent a chill through my body as it was now past midnight. Like a fool, I had left my keys in the ignition back in the McCandless' driveway. I couldn't go home anyway, I thought, they know where I live.

Just then a loud bang nearly coincided with an explosion of splintering wood from the maple I had been standing next to.

“Dang it, Roy! I almost had him!” Any thoughts of them wanting to just scare me away from their sister vanished with the speed of the bullet that almost took my life right on the sidewalk. They wanted me dead and didn't care who knew it.

I cut down the dark alley, hoping that the brothers' assault on silence would rouse the neighborhood and I would soon be safe. Help never came though, and I continued running until I was again in the open country. I knew I was faster than them, so the more I ran, the better my chances of survival were. Problem was, I'd always been a sprinter. I was tired and needed rest.

There was an old, abandoned church just up the road, sitting quietly in the night. It was there I decided I would find my salvation, if only for a few hours. I crawled across the ground the last hundred yards to avoid detection in case the brothers were close. There had been no sign of them since they'd shot at me on the open street. I raised the old wooden frame of the stained glass window, climbed into the church, and closed it behind me.

Once inside I looked around for something I could use for a weapon. The church was small, only two rows of about eight pews each, and had long been cleaned out. All that was left was a stack of dusty Bibles and a huge wooden cross lying flat across the benches on the far side. The moon was full, but the dirty stained glass windows filtered out most of the light.

As quietly as I could, I picked up the cross and carried it towards the door. Although it wouldn't keep the door shut for long, I figured it would buy me some time. The McCandless boys weren't the quickest rats in the race, so it seemed logical that they would first try to enter through the door if they even thought to look here at all. I found the darkest corner of the pulpit and sat down. My thighs ached, and welcomed the break.

I sat motionless in the dark, still in disbelief that such innocent behavior in my mind, was apparently a deadly sin in theirs. I wondered what Allison thought of all this. I wondered if they had given up searching for me. I wondered a lot of things that had no answer.

Every little noise that was probably a field mouse sent my heart racing and shot my pupils wide open. It might only be a field mouse, but unless you can see it, it might as well be death itself. I sat and stared at the cross leaning against the door and asked for what preachers had once offered from this very spot. Praying always calmed me down.

“Rise and shine, Romeo.”

“Huh?” I opened my eyes, and there stood James, Roy, and...

“Allison?”

“Mornin' honey.” She spoke as though I should be happy to see her. As if nothing was wrong.

“What the Hell is going on?” Behind them the door to the church was open and I could see people outside. James just smiled and let out a contemplative sigh.

“Well, that depends.”

“On what,” I asked.

“On you.” He stood directly in front of me, walking slowly up the aisle. “It all depends on you,” he said, raising his rifle, “and how much of a man you really are.”

“I don't understand.”

“Yeah, I figured as much. All you city boys are the same. You think conquering a woman'll make you a man. Ain't nothin gonna make you a man unless it's done before God.”

“Absolutely James, I totally agree.” You'll say anything with a rifle pointed at you.

“Good, good. A righteous man you may be yet. Get on over here.” He smiled and lowered the gun, coaxing me towards him. I obeyed and made my way between the pews. Allison stood smiling, her brother James between us.

“So, it is God's will that I, again, present to you a choice. You can join the beautiful Allison McCandless in a holy matrimony today, here, in this very house of the Lord, with He and everyone who holds her dearly as witness. Or, I'm a cut yer balls off. Either way, we gonna celebrate puttin a smile on the face of our Lord today. So, what's it gonna be?”

That's how I ended up here, in a church in Jackson County, Tennessee, being forced to choose between marrying a beautiful woman I hardly knew, and being castrated by the MacCandless brothers.

“C'mon boy, we're all waitin,” James said smiling.

“Yes, I'll marry her, of course I'll marry her. I was going to ask her anyway, I love her more than anything.” Again, you'll say anything with a gun pointed at you.

“Don't tell me boy. Tell her.” I turned and faced Allison, on both knees with a knife still at my neck and a gun in my face I wondered if this was how she had always imagined this moment.

“Allison, I love you so much. I-I-I've never felt this way about anyone before. Will you marry me?” She looked at me with suspicion, as if she sensed my desperation. “Please.”

“You got a ring?”

You've got to be kidding me. “A ring? Why in the Hell would I have a ring? Last night was our first date and I haven't even been home yet! You remember the end of the date when your psychopath brothers came running after me with their guns? I've been chased almost halfway across the county! I've been shot at, almost bit by a rabid dog, I'm in desperate need of a tetanus shot, and now your brothers are going to cut my fucking balls off if I don't marry you! I don't even know you! No, I'm sorry, I don't have a ring!”

Allison stood there silent, just staring at me while the crowd outside waited to find out what exactly this day would bring.

“No.”

“What? Are you serious? No?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“I don't know. I just don't really like you all that much. You're kinda mean sometimes.”

“You're kidding right? Tell me you're kidding.” She shrugged and walked down the aisle, exiting the church.

“You heard the lady,” James said. Just then the town's only preacher walked in and looked around.

“What's goin on in here?” I'm saved, I thought.

“Father, thank God you're here. They're going to-”

“Hold on there fella.” The old man crossed his arms and looked past me. “James? What's the story?”

“Well father, Allison don't wanna marry this man. Says he's a mean one.” The preacher nodded.

“I see. Well, that's that then.” He turned around and closed the doors. Roy began dragging me towards the front of the church with one hand, still holding the knife to my neck with the other.

“Wait. Wait! That's that! He said that's that! What are you doing?” James laughed and tossed one of the old Bibles to the preacher. He caught it and dust flew into the air. The preacher walked towards me down the aisle, and opened the book.

“Boys, let's put a smile on our Lord's face today, shall we?”