The Reunion

Jax’s boyfriend Allie asked him yesterday if he wanted to move in, to finally begin a life together. He called me after telling Allie yes. He asked if we could meet today after work. I said, “You’re still employed?”

And he replied, “Shut up, cunt.”

I pull up to the entrance of the trail. Jax is sitting in his beat up Nissan Altima, smoking a cigarette, wearing dark glasses. I turn my car off. He does the same. I exit the car and walk to his. I knock on his front window. He rolls it down manually. He says, “What up, buttercup?”

“Hello yourself, stranger.”

Jax rolls the window back up. He nudges his front door open and exits the car to give me a hug. “Hey, Maire,” he says. He smells the same, like good cologne, coffee, and menthol cigarettes.

“Jax,” I say. “I see you brought your walking shoes.”

“It’s summer! Who cares? I can wear my flip flops.”

“Yes ma’am,” I reply. “You da queen.” We take a right and begin grazing down the paved trail. The wind blows light, small baby leaves scattering along with us. “It’s pretty, isn’t it?” I say.

Jax tells me, “It’s a day.”

I throw my hands up in the air. “Oh, Jax. Come on. It’s a huge day!”

He annunciates, “It’s a day, Marie.”

“Tell me about what’s going on! I feel like I haven’t even heard from you in forever.”

“There hasn’t really been much to talk about, you know.”

“Well,” I tell him. “Obviously things have been going well with you and Allie.”

Jax looks down at his yellow flip flops. He lifts his dark sunglasses from his nose and to the top of his head. “Marie, it’s been great.”

I grab his right shoulder and he slightly pulls away, as if offended or something. I laugh. “Jesus, Jax! That’s great! Tell me.”

“It was just another talk. I mean, it’s been needing to happen for a while. He just knows who I am, you know. And I think that was what has been holding him back.”

“What do you mean, he knows who you are?”

“No job security. It’s a big commitment. I’m a loose cannon some days.” “You’re a wonderful person, Jax. You’ve always been wonderful. Allie realizes that, too.”

Jax halts mid-walk and throws his hands up to his perfectly tanned face.

I walk up close, touch his shoulder. “Jax… Jax, what the hell is wrong? You should be happy. This is the first day of the rest of your life.”

“I’m a bad person. I just know it.”

I start chuckling to myself. “Oh, don’t be ridiculous.” I start to walk forward and he follows behind, eventually dropping his hands. His face is all red. His cheeks are wet.

“You think too hard.”

“I just feel like something in me believes I deserve the unhappiness I always cradled, wrapped around myself like a fucking blanket…”

“Oh Jesus, stop, Jax. You’re being absolutely absurd. You’re the sweetest guy. Everyone adores you. You know that. You’re being fucking crazy.”

“But maybe I am, Marie! Maybe I am fucking crazy. Why would I deserve a guy like Allie? He’s always so happy, dancing to music in front of me, singing. And I just sit there like I don’t have time for it, no energy. I want that energy. I want to feel happy.”

“You’re happy, Jax. Just let yourself be happy.”

He looks over at the flowing river beside us. He says, “Maybe I’ve done something wrong in my life. Or maybe, you know, something bad happened to me… It’s just…”

“Stop, Jax. You’re fine. Let it go. You’re just internalizing again. You’ve always been that way. The creative type, you are. Let it go.”

Another tear falls from his face. “I want to. I tell myself to let things go. To stop crucifying myself. It’s just…”

“Think of the good times. Remember that one time when Mom and Dad took us on that trip to Florida, and you and I were playing in the ocean and we found that dead jellyfish, just fucking swept up on the beach.

And you…”

“…I put it on your head. I know.” Jax cracks a smile, a small grin.

“See, that was pretty funny. Think of stuff like that.”

“What if I fuck it up? Do something wrong. Say something wrong.”

“Trust yourself. You don’t realize how much control you have. How special you are to people.”

Jax starts stomping his feet against the pavement. His hands form to fists. He begins knocking his arms against his thighs. “Then tell me, Marie!” he yells. “Tell me how special!”

“Oh my lord. Okay, Jax. Okay. Just stop for a second. Okay?” He stands in front of me, waiting—stopped. I tell him, “You’re the one person in my life that I’ve always looked up to, always depended on. I trusted you with my life. I trusted you to help me through things and you always did that. You were always there to talk and listen. You were the best to me.” “I wasn’t that great.”

“If you really think that, then there’s something seriously wrong with you. Remember what we used to say to each other? When Mom and Dad divorced. When I found out I couldn’t get pregnant. When Ronnie cheated on me…”

“…Ronnie’s a fucking asshole.”

“Yes, he is an asshole, Jax. But I love him. I really love him.”

“Fine. I remember what we used to say.”

“Just remember that. Don’t forget that. You know, Jax, I love no matter what.”

Jax and I step onto the old wooden bridge, high above the river, that leads to the final quarter of the trail. We’ve been walking it together for years, it seems. We used to ride our bikes, try and catch frogs down by the river. Mom would yell at us for getting so close. Jax pauses at the center point of the bridge and looks out at the current rolling past us, at the water whipping around the large rocks. He bends over and removes his yellow flip flops. He says, “Okay. Today is a new day. I’m going to be happy. I’m going to be happy if you say I can be happy. And I’ll trust that, Marie. I will.”

I watch cautiously. He turns to river and chucks his sandals into it. His eyes follow as they get swept down.

“What the hell was that for?” I ask him.

His jaws shudder. “It’s a new day, Marie. I really want to be happy. I really want this to work with Allie.”

“I know. And it will. And if it doesn’t, it’s not because of you. It’s because of him. And I’ll kill him. I really will.”

We walk forward again, across the old bridge. I turn around, smiling at him, trying to get him to smile back. He grins and I watch as he walks a few steps forward, and then I watch as he turns from me and darts to the edge of the bridge. As I scream his name, he leaps over the weak guard rails and into the river. I sprint over to the rails—sweating, panting, scanning for any sign of him. I scream, “No! No, Jax! No!”

My brother had everything so good.