Something Strange On The Side Of The Road

Meanwhile, on the other side of town, James Franco and Breeze Frizell were having a conversation. The tone was playful.

"You're like such a crappy listener," Breeze was saying. "You're like a really good talker or whatever, but you're a crappy listener."

James Franco pauses.

"Uh, what were you saying? I wasn't listening," he says, laughs.

"I said you're a crappy listener," Breeze says, without laughing.

This James Franco is not the famous actor.

This James Franco was on his first date with Breeze Frizell. He had just picked her up at her house for the first time. He could not tell if she understood when people were joking or not.

"Right," he said. "I really am a pretty crappy listener. My hearing is great, but, you know, being a great hearer doesn't necessarily make you a good listener."

"You're cute. That's all that matters," Breeze said.

This Breeze Frizell IS the Panera Bread sandwich delivery girl in Hog, KY.

James and Breeze were in James' dad's Buick Park Avenue.

Breeze was dumbing herself down to try and make James like her more. She was seventeen. She looked like she was about twenty-six.

James was twenty-two and looked about seventeen. Neither knew the other's age. Yet.

They were cruising. They were on their way to Pig's Steakhouse. Mmmm.

Pig's Steakhouse was out on State Road 45, about ten miles out of Hog, KY in a sort of non-town called Swine, KY. Breeze suggested it. She said it was worth the drive. James had heard good things about it. His aunt Donna had told him just yesterday that she would rather drive a hundred miles to eat at Pig's than ever eat at Bob Evans again. Bob Evans was the only restaurant in Hog, except for Panera Bread. Then she said that she's sure that she will end up eating at Bob Evans again at some point, and probably liking it, but does James know what she means, it's like if you wanna eat out you almost HAVE to go to Bob Evans if you live in Hog. Aunt Donna, like many residents of Hog, was unaware that Panera Bread was a restaurant. Aunt Donna, like many residents of Hog, was slightly retarded.

James Franco was also slightly retarded. The actor, not this James Franco. This James Franco fancied himself to be a bit of a wit, much like the actor does. A very small bit. Breeze Frizell was not retarded. She was a genius.

Aunt Donna was a high school music teacher. Last year she began having an affair with one of her students. She is currently having an affair with the same student.

Aunt Donna moved her lips when she read or counted, even when she wasn't reading or counting out loud. She was thirty-three years old. She had a wide face and eyes like fire and a voice like the ocean.

Tonight James and Breeze would see something strange on the side of the road.

James' dad's Buick Park Avenue whirred down SR 45. The windows were up. The air conditioner was on. It was hot outside, even at 6:49 pm, which is what time it was, but the air conditioner kept the riders cool.

"What kind of music do you like?" James said to Breeze.

"Just whatever people are listening to," said Breeze.

"But what kind do YOU like?"

"Oh my god, I just noticed your farmer's tan," Breeze pretended to be giddy. She chanted melodically, "You gotta farmer's tan. You gotta farmer's tan."

"I know. It's because I lay out in the sun in my T-shirt all day. I mean, my mom tells me not to, but I do it anyway."

"Oh my god, it was SO hot outside today."

James and Breeze met when Breeze delivered sandwiches to the bookstore next to where James works. James works at AutoZone. James knows nothing about cars. He got the job because the manager of AutoZone is a homosexual and finds James attractive. Most people, homosexual or otherwise, would consider James to be attractive.

Breeze finds James very attractive and desperately wants him to want to have sex with her. She is embarrassed about how smart she is and desperately fights urges to chat incessantly about what she learned earlier that day from a program about African fire ants on the Discovery Channel. Though she is a genius, she doesn't understand that there is no subject that she could ramble on about that would bore James Franco out of the desire to have sex with her. Breeze is a virgin. She is also home-schooled.

James had approached Breeze out of the blue one day as she was leaving the bookstore, delivery completed.

"Excuse me, miss…" he had squinted at her name tag, "…Breeze, is it?"

"Yes." Breeze was a bit disheveled from confusion caused by the stranger's interruption of her routine, but also taken aback by the handsomeness of James Franco.

"Uh, Breeze, huh? Is that a Biblical name?"

"Nope, I don't think so. I think my mom made it up, actually."

"Well, anyway, we're getting pretty hungry over here at AutoZone and I was just wondering when you were gonna bring our lunch over." James was smiling.

"Did you guys order something?" Breeze's humorlessness was a side effect of her confusion. "No. Actually, I've spent all day trying to think of something clever to say to you. I see you deliver your food out here like every other day and I've always wanted to say something to you, but never knew how to go about it."

It was obvious that James, though good-looking, was pretty shy and fairly new at talking to girls. "Um."

"Actually, I know you don't know me or whatever, but would you maybe wanna get to know me over dinner or something, sometime? I'd like to get to know you, or whatever."

"Are you serious?"

"Sure, why not? I mean, you can say no if you want."

"Ok, I guess. Yeah, sure."

Breeze's agreeing to a date with James Franco was another side effect of her confusion.

In the car, James Franco noticed Breeze's cleavage. Her breasts were 'fabulous', as James' manager at AutoZone would say if he was talking about something else.

Breeze's friend Farrah, who goes to public school, was the one who suggested that Breeze act dumb to make James like her.

Farrah: "Don't be stupid and talk all that stuff about how to spell 'llama' and 'what's the capital of Asia' and all that stuff if you want this boy to like you. You have to be ACCESSIBLE… if you want him to access you."

Breeze: "I don't know if I want THAT."

Farrah: "YOU might not want it right away. But you definitely want HIM to want it right away. Look at your boobs."

Breeze: "Please, let's don't."

Farrah: "No they're like big… big… what's like a big fruit?"

Breeze: "Farrah-"

Farrah: "Not like watermelons, but…"

Breeze: "Cantaloup?"

Farrah: "Actually, no. They ARE like watermelons. Big beautiful flesh colored watermelons. Here, let me give you a shirt. All your shirts make you look like an old lady."

Breeze: "Thanks a lot."

Farrah: "You're lucky this guy saw you in your Panera uniform and not one of those grody outfits your mother probably knitted for you."

Breeze: "My mom is a great seamstress."

Farrah: "Your mom is gay."

Breeze and Farrah: (laughter)

Farrah: "Here. Wear this. He'll have a boner the whole time you guys are eating or whatever." Breeze: (laughs) "That's disgusting."

Farrah: "How old is this guy, anyway?

Breeze: "I'm not really sure."

"So, like, how old are you?" Breeze said.

"Twenty-two," said James Franco. "How old are you?"

Farrah: "Well, what if he's older? Could he be older?"

Breeze: "I guess he could be. He works at AutoZone."

Farrah: "You better not tell him you're seventeen."

"Me? I'm twenty. How old do I look, silly?"

"You look about twenty-six," James said, laughing.

"You're SUCH a meanie!"

Breeze gave James a series of playful punches of the arm. James watched as Breeze's watermelons jiggled in Farrah's shirt.

Farrah: "Don't let him take you to Bob Evans either."

Breeze: "If not there, where?"

Farrah: "Have him take you out to Pig's Steakhouse, out in Swine. It's worth the drive."

James Franco's aunt Donna was at Pig's Steakhouse when James and Breeze arrived. Apparently James asking her about the place had given her ideas. She was sitting in a poorly lit booth in the back of the main dining room. The room was about half full of people, happy people with forks full of bites of steak and other things. Aunt Donna was with a boy who would appear to be her son, if we did not know what we know about Aunt Donna, and if she wasn't playing footsies with him under the table.

The hostess sat James and Breeze at a table near Donna and her underaged companion. James noticed Donna as he and Breeze were beginning their descent into their respective chairs. He hesitated, looked at Donna in an effort to make eye contact.

"What's the matter?" Breeze said, turning around to look at whatever he was looking at.

"That's my aunt Donna over there."

Aunt Donna's companion's back was to James and Breeze, and the booth's chair back blocked him almost completely out of their sight. Aunt Donna did not notice James so did not make eye contact with him. James approached her table. Breeze followed, dumbly smiling.

"What's up, Donna?" James said.

Donna acted as though she was a student who had just been caught cheating on a test by a teacher.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you."

Breeze stopped smiling, started frowning.

"You didn't scare me James," Aunt Donna said, composing herself. "I'm just hungry is all. Is this the girl? The one you were…"

"Derek?" Breeze said, looking at Aunt Donna's companion.

"…talking about?"

"Hey, Breeze," said Derek, wiping his hands on his jeans. "What's up?"

"Um, not much. Just eating some food, I guess," said Breeze.

"Yeah, me too," said Derek.

"Yeah. Donna, this is Breeze Frizell, the finest delivery girl Panera Bread has ever seen," said James.

"Pleased to meet you Breeze," said Donna.

"Um, hi… um, nice to, um, meet you, too," said Breeze.

"What do you deliver over at Panera?" said Aunt Donna.

"Um, sandwiches mostly," said Breeze.

"You drive a truck? Like a bread truck?" said Aunt Donna.

"Um, I drive a, um, Ford Contour."

"To deliver bread?" said Aunt Donna.

"Um, well, there's bread on the sandwiches."

"Well, that's nice," said Aunt Donna.

"Nice to see you, Donna," said James. James nodded at Derek and started away from the table.

"See ya, Breeze," said Derek.

"Um."

"It was nice to meet you Breeze," said Donna.

Breeze followed James away from the table.

Breeze was weird about seeing Derek because they had dated in middle school, essentially. For two years. From when Breeze was fourteen to when she was sixteen. From when Derek was twelve to when he was fourteen. He was fifteen now. It'd been a year since Breeze had seen Derek. Breeze had thought that she was in love with Derek when Derek had dumped her for a twelve year old basketball playing vixen who came from a broken home and who knew what a hand job was. Breeze still didn't know what a hand job was, even though her boobs were so big and she was a genius.

Breeze was flustered from seeing her ex but not so much as to lose her composure and forget her 'dumb' schtick. She used her genius to fight the urge to reveal her non-dumbness.

"Did you know that kid?" said James Franco, now seated across from Breeze at their table.

"Yeah, sorta."

"How do you know him?"

"I dunno. Just some kid."

Aunt Donna and Derek hurriedly rose from their booth and scuttled out the side door of the restaurant. Neither James or Breeze noticed.

"I mean, are you related to him? Is he a friend of yours? Are you not allowed to say?"

"I'm allowed to say whatever I want. I just don't wanna talk about him. He's just some douchy kid."

"You seemed to get pretty upset when you saw him."

Breeze paused for the briefest of moments, looked down, then back up at James and said, "You're so cute when you're serious. Oh my god, look at your cheeks! Dimples!"

And the stuff that happened at the Pig's Steakhouse wasn't even the strangest thing about that night for James Franco and Breeze Frizell. The strangest thing is what they saw on the side of the road when they were driving home.