Birthday Girl

Fourteen

Cautious rays of early morning sun penetrated through the closely drawn curtains, playing on the beige walls of her bedroom before finally resting on her sleeping face. Laura woke up with a start and sat up in bed, her heart skipping with eager anticipation. Today was her birthday but that wasn’t why she was happy. She didn’t really get excited about her birthdays, she wasn’t a kid anymore. Although she had to admit that, as the suffocating July night turned into a misty London morning, she felt like a kid again. This year, her parents promised her something she’s been dreaming of for as long as she could remember. On this day of her fourteenth birthday, she was finally going to get a kitten.

Although it was much too early, there was no way she could go back to sleep. Groggily she walked down the corridor and paused outside her parents’ bedroom. She considered waking them but decided against it. Her mum looked so tired these days, so unusually thin and gaunt, her eyes dark and withdrawn as if she hadn’t slept for weeks. She probably needed her rest. And it was going to be an eventful day, with the long awaited trip to Guildford to choose the kitten in the morning and then a party for all her friends in the afternoon. Just thinking about it made her smile with exhilaration.

When she heard her parents’ voices, she was already walking back to her room. Surprised, she stopped in her tracks. Normally she wouldn’t dream of overhearing what her parents were talking about but it sounded as if they were arguing, and her alarmed curiosity outweighed the slight guilt she felt as she listened to the adult conversation that wasn’t meant for her. For some inexplicable reason her heart was suddenly beating fast as if in premonition of some important and unexpected event. The truth was that she’s never heard her parents argue. All through her childhood, she saw her mother and father hold hands and look at each other with such unrestrained adoration that in her innocent fascination she wondered whether she would ever find someone who would love her that much, to the exclusion of everything and everyone around. She remembered her mum laughing a lot, chatting cheerfully and singing out of tune while she cooked their family dinners and packed sandwiches for her to take to school. It made Laura feel tranquil and contentedly secure. Now, however, her mother’s voice was anything but cheerful. Instead, it was angry and hoarse as if she was trying to hold back tears.

‘What do you mean, you are in love with someone else?’ she demanded accusingly.

Heavy, oppressive silence followed, only occasionally interrupted by her mother’s sobs.

‘I’m sorry, Jane. What do you want me to say? These things happen.’ Her father sounded dejected and apologetic.

‘How long? How long has it been going on?’ whispered her mum and Laura had to lean closer to make out the words that barely reached her through the thin wooden door.

She shook slightly, not only from the shock of her father’s painful revelation but also from a peculiar curiosity at glimpsing a part of the mysterious adult world, curiosity that was both frightening and exhilarating at the same time.

‘It started two years ago.’

She heard her father get up and pace heavily up and down her parents’ spacious room.

‘Two years? You’ve been lying to me, to us for two years?’

Hearing the stunned heartbreak in her mother’s voice, Laura suddenly felt dizzy and leaned against the wall.

‘You know we haven’t been getting along. We drifted apart a long time ago. These things…’

‘Don’t tell me that these things happen. Stop making excuses,’ Jane interrupted him tersely, raising her voice. ‘We’ve been drifting apart because you turned our marriage, our family, our whole life into a sham. Two years!’

‘Keep your voice down, Jane. You’ll wake Laura.’

‘How dare you mention Laura? Have you even thought of her? What will this do to her?’

‘She’s not a child. She’ll understand. She doesn’t need a father anymore.’

‘She’s thirteen,’ said Jane, her voice firm and forceful again, as if the unbearable absurdity of her husband’s words had a sobering effect on her.

‘Fourteen today. And once she gets this kitten, she won’t even notice that I’m gone.’

‘What kitten? I can’t handle a kitten right now. I can’t deal with it!’

Jane started sobbing again and, not able to take it anymore, Laura made her way back to the soothing security of her own room. Trembling despite the suffocating heat, she got under the blanket, blocking the outside world with a pillow. As she hugged her worn out old teddy bear to herself as tightly as she possibly could, she tried to analyze what just happened. There, in her room, surrounded by the reassuring familiarity of all the things that she knew since she was a child, she went over her parents’ words time and time again but no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t understand the full meaning, the implications of it all. What she did understand, however, as she watched the early morning shadows dissolve and give way to hazy British sunshine, was that from that moment on something in her life had irrevocably, irreversibly changed.

When she awoke two hours later, her mum was in the kitchen and her dad was gone. Jane had curlers in her hair and her eyes were red and swollen. She zoomed around their tiny kitchen with lightning speed, cutting ingredients for the salad, stirring the simmering sauce on the stove and mixing sugar and flour for the cake. Her hand slipped and she knocked over the pan, bright red sauce leaking all over the floor and looking slightly alarming on their spotless taupe tiles. Jane buried her head in her hands and sighed. She looked done with her day.

‘Hey, mum,’ said Laura brightly, surveying the disconcerting mess of their normally flawless kitchen. ‘Do you need a hand?’

‘I’m ok, sweetie.’ Jane smiled, stealthily wiping the tears off her face and hoping that Laura wouldn’t notice. ‘It’s your birthday and I am not letting you do anything today.’

‘But I enjoy helping you.’

Laura picked up the almost empty pot and put it in the sink, filling it with water and rubbing the sticky sauce stains with a brown sponge.

‘Where is dad?’

‘You know your father. He had to go to work.’

‘Work? It’s Saturday. Aren’t we going to pick up the kitten?’

Laura tried to muster as much enthusiasm as she could but her smile was forced and her eyes were cautious. A cloud of anxiety passed over Jane’s face and she looked away.

‘I don’t know if this is a good time for a kitten, dear,’ she said wearily.

‘Mum, you promised.’

Jane didn’t answer, pretending to fix the hems of her old grey apron that had come loose.

‘I heard what dad told you this morning. I couldn’t sleep and I heard,’ Laura whispered.

As if in shock, Jane leaned on the kitchen counter, tears streaming down her face. Seeing her mum’s sorrow, Laura felt a sudden apprehensive fear, an odd unsettling sensation that she tried to ignore.

‘Mum, what does it mean? Is it very bad?’

Jane held her daughter close and Laura felt her hands shake.

‘Yes,’ Jane said after a long silence. ‘Yes, it’s very bad.’

‘Is dad leaving us? What is going to happen?’

The thought of her father moving out to live somewhere else and, what was even more incomprehensible, with someone else, was at once preposterous and disturbing. Nothing in her safe and happy childhood had prepared her for this hollow feeling of emptiness and loss. She sighed as she sensed her mother’s tears on the bare skin of her shoulders.

‘I don’t know, baby. I don’t know anything.’

‘He is coming back for my party though, isn’t he?’ Laura whispered hopefully.

‘Of course he is. He wouldn’t miss it.’ Jane tried to sound confident but her voice trembled.

The party was in full swing and her friends were having a great time, giggling, gossiping and chatting about shopping and boys. The phone rang as Laura was getting ready to blow out her fourteen candles on the giant chocolate cake that her mum baked for her the night before.

‘It’s your father,’ said Jane, passing her the phone.

‘Hey, baby!’

The line was bad and her dad’s voice was dropping in and out.

‘Happy birthday!’

‘Dad, where are you?’ Laura said reproachfully, taking the phone into her bedroom and closing the door behind her, shutting out the noise and excitement of the party.

‘Aren’t you coming home for my birthday?’

‘I’m just held up at work. I’ll be there in an hour.’

He sounded just like his usual self, happy, optimistic and up-beat but there was something different in his voice, too. He was distant and distracted as if he had something else on his mind.

‘Work, really? You couldn’t come up with a better excuse?’

Her throat contracted with sudden tears.

‘What are you talking about, baby? My phone is breaking up, I can hardly hear you.’

‘You are with her, aren’t you? You are missing my party so you could be with her?’

Laura shook with painful disdain, a burning jealousy making her eyes tingle. There was a long silence on the other end.

‘Dad, are you there?’ she whispered.

When he finally answered, he sounded guarded and a little angry.

‘Did your mother put you up to this? I can’t believe she told you.’

‘No one told me. I heard you. I heard you tell mum that you are leaving us,’ she sobbed.

His anger evaporated, just like his earlier cheerfulness. Now he sounded tired and cagey.

‘I’m not leaving you. I’m leaving your mother. It’s different.’

‘Different how?’ she screamed in confused frustration. ‘It’s my birthday, dad, and you’re not even here. You couldn’t wait till after my birthday to have this conversation?’

‘Listen, I have to go now. I’ll be home in an hour and we’ll talk. It will be ok.’

‘Well, guess what, you are right! I’m old enough not to need my father anymore.’

Angrily she threw the phone in the corner and collapsed on her bed, weeping silently into her pillow. She stayed there for a long time, staring into space, while outside her friends celebrated her birthday, their happy and excited voices drowned by the deafening rap music that she loved.

It was after midnight and all the guests had left a long time ago. Seeing the lights in her parents’ bedroom, she knocked and entered. Her mother was crouched on the window sill, gloomily watching the dimly lit street outside.

‘Mum, what are you doing?’ Laura blinked in surprise.

‘Nothing, dear.’

Jane sounded casual but her eyes were dull from recent tears. Nevertheless, Laura thought that her mum looked stunning in the dark blue evening dress that she was still wearing. She lost a lot of weight recently and the dress suited her perfectly.

‘I thought I heard a car downstairs and was just checking to see if it was your father coming home.’

‘He’s not coming home, mum,’ Laura said miserably, sitting on her parents’ king size bed.

‘Of course he is. Sooner or later he’ll realize that he made a mistake and he’ll come back. We are a family.’

Jane threw one last look out the window and sighed. Reluctantly, she climbed down and sat next to Laura.

‘Mum, are you ok? Do you want anything? I could make some chamomile tea, it will calm you down.’

Jane shook her head forlornly.

‘No,’ she said quietly. ‘No, thank you. But maybe you could talk to your father, ask him to come home?’

‘I’m fourteen, mum. He’s not going to listen to me.’

They were silent for a while, then Laura got up and hugged her mother.

‘Try to get some sleep. It’s late.’

Jane looked suddenly scared in the eerie light of her little bedside lamp.

‘Can you stay here for a bit?’ she whispered. ‘I can’t stand being alone.’

‘Of course,’ Laura said reassuringly, stroking her mother’s arm. ‘Don’t worry, mum. I’ll look after you. We’ll get through this.’

Fifteen

‘What are you doing for your birthday this year?’ asked Laura’s best friend Julie, absentmindedly flicking through a fashion magazine.

‘Nothing,’ said Laura, idly inspecting the empty schoolyard. ‘Birthdays are lame.’

‘You have to do something. We can invite some people over to my place. It will be fun.’

Laura shrugged. ‘Yeah, ok. Whatever.’

‘We should get going. History is about to start,’ said Julie, reapplying her lipstick and combing her hair so that it looked even bigger than before.

While Laura was most comfortable in her favourite jeans and a t-shirt, Julie liked to look feminine. Her idea of feminine was six inch heels and tiny skirts that barely covered her plump hips.

‘You know what, I can’t be bothered today. I’m going home.’

As she watched her classmates walk by, Laura felt disheartened and apathetic.

‘But you hardly ever go to school anymore.’

Picking up her backpack, Julie looked at her friend with concern.

‘What are you, my mother?’ snapped Laura. ‘I’ve got stuff to do, ok? I’ll see you later.’

Laura leaned against a thick tree trunk, watching the white two-storey building across the road. It was an ordinary townhouse, identical to the ones on either side of it, except that the front porch was overflowing with flowers and her father’s car was parked outside. Through the kitchen window she could make out a tall blonde woman clearing the dishes and cutting vegetables for dinner.

Gingerly she crossed the road and rang the bell. When the door opened a few seconds later, she found herself face to face with the woman she’d never met but continuously thought about. Laura studied her sulkily, her appraising eyes scanning the woman’s figure up and down. She was very young, not even in her thirties yet but Jane was so much more beautiful, Laura thought. The blonde was wearing a designer suit as if she just got home from work and her long hair was tied back into a bun, making her appear even taller than she actually was. She looked nothing like Laura imagined. She certainly didn’t look like someone who was capable of breaking up a family. She didn’t look predatory. Perplexed, Laura continued to stare without saying a word.

‘Can I help you?’ said the woman, her eyes clouding with surprised recognition.

‘I’m here to see my father,’ Laura stammered.

For a fleeting moment a shadow of bewildered uneasiness ran over the woman’s face but it was quickly gone and Laura wondered if she had imagined it.

‘He’s not home right now and you shouldn’t be here.’

‘I’ll wait for him then,’ said Laura brashly, attempting to push past the woman and into the living room.

‘Who do you think you are, budging in here like this?’ The blonde squared her shoulders threateningly, blocking Laura’s way.

‘I’m his daughter. Who are you? And what do you think you’re doing with my father? He’s got a family, you know.’

Stunned by her own audacity, Laura raised her voice and an elderly neighbour lounging in his front yard looked up at them with undisguised curiosity and enthusiasm of someone who was considerably bored with his afternoon.

‘Get out of here before I call the cops. You think I don’t notice you every night watching us from outside like some kind of stalker?’

Her pretty face convulsed in anger.

‘I’m not going anywhere. Today is my birthday and I haven’t seen my father in weeks.’

Laura tried one more time to get past the blonde and into the house but the woman pushed her and managed to close and lock the door behind her. She was surprisingly strong for someone so slim. Shaking in anger, Laura clasped her fists helplessly. Crossing the road, she picked up a rock and threw it at the kitchen window which shattered with a loud bang. It felt so liberating that she picked up another rock and threw it at the bedroom window. Stealing one last glance at her father’s new home, she turned around and ran as fast as she could.

When she got home from Julie’s, it was two AM. With a sudden dismay she realized that her mum was waiting up for her. Slightly shivering in the cool breeze, Jane was sitting on the porch in a worn out brown cardigan and her favourite slippers. There was a cup of tea in front of her and her face looked grey with worry.

‘Mum, what are you doing up? It’s late,’ Laura murmured, instantly feeling guilty.

She didn’t mean to upset her mum and add to the perpetual stress that her life had become.

‘Where have you been?’ Jane shouted, her momentary relief giving way to anger. ‘I was worried sick. I’ve been trying to call you all night.’

‘I was at Julie’s. My phone battery is dead.’ She tried to squeeze her way past her mum. ‘I’m just going to bed. I’m tired.’

‘You are tired?’

Jane grabbed her by the shoulder and, shaking her like a puppy, marched her into the living room.

‘Do you have any idea what time it is? You are out of control.’

‘I’m sorry, mum. I lost track of time.’

Feeling six years old again, she squeezed her eyes in childish fear. If dad was still here, she thought, he would calm mum down like he always did. She shuddered.

‘Your school called today. You have the worst attendance record in your entire year. I work two jobs just to make the ends meet and I have no time to watch you. When are you going to grow up?’

Jane looked at her intently and Laura lowered her head. The bitter disappointment in her mother’s eyes was too much to bear.

‘I grew up a year ago, mum. When you didn’t even try to get dad back.’

Gasping, Jane stepped back as if from a slap.

‘It’s so easy for you,’ Laura continued, ignoring the shocked pain on her mother’s face. ‘You act as if nothing happened. Well, I can’t do this anymore,’ she raised her voice, burying her head in her hands. ‘I don’t know how to handle this emptiness inside me.’

Jane watched her without saying a word, the expression on her face softer, no longer angry. Finally, she wrapped her arms around Laura’s shaking body and held her tight.

‘Your dad moved on with his life,’ she said quietly. ‘We need to do the same.’

‘How do we do that, mum? How do we move on?’

Relaxing in her mother’s arms, she felt the familiar pain inside her subside a little. ‘I don’t know, baby. But we certainly don’t do that by throwing rocks at your father’s windows.’

Jane stroked Laura’s head, her eyes twinkling. ‘Come to the kitchen. I baked a carrot cake, your favourite. We can celebrate your birthday, just the two of us.’

Sixteen

When his car pulled up in the driveway, Laura and Julie were on the porch chatting and enjoying fresh strawberries that Jane bought for them at Portobello market that morning. Julie just braided Laura’s hair and they both looked at their reflections in the mirror, giggling and making funny faces. They stopped abruptly when they heard the car door slam and saw Laura’s dad walk slowly towards them.

‘I’ll be right back, Jules,’ said Laura and ran down the stairs to meet him. ‘What are you doing here, dad?’ she asked sternly, suddenly out of breath.

‘Looking for you.’ He smiled, trying to hide the reproach in his eyes. ‘I’ve been calling you for weeks but you never returned my calls.’

‘I’ve been busy. I’m trying to concentrate on school and gymnastics. We have nationals next week.’

She looked into his face, and her heart skipped a beat at its painful familiarity.

‘You’ve been avoiding me,’ he said quietly.

‘It still hurts, ok?’ she cried, staring at him with contempt. ‘It hurts every time I hear a song that reminds me of that time two years ago when you walked out on us and every time mum wears the perfume she used to wear back then. I am just trying to move on with my life.’

‘You can’t move on with your life by shutting me out. I’m still your father.’

He took her hand and she stepped back cautiously, pulling away.

‘I wish you remembered that two years ago when you left us.’

She struggled to keep her voice even.

‘I left your mother. I never left you.’

‘You were never around!’ she shouted. ‘You are never around,’ she said a little quieter.

‘You are not a child anymore. You don’t need me as much. You’ll have a family of your own soon,’ he said, trying to sound reassuring but sounding pleading instead.

‘Yeah, right. As if I could trust someone after what you did to us. And I was only fourteen, dad!’

She shook her head in disbelief.

‘I miss you. I want my daughter back.’

He took her hand again and this time she didn’t pull it back.

‘I want my father back, too. I want the father who taught me how to play football, who took me camping, who read to me when I couldn’t sleep. But he’s gone,’ she said, feeling the protective wall of resentment that she’d been building against him for so long slowly melting away.

‘I’m right here, baby. I’m not going anywhere. Can I take you out for your birthday? Unless you have other plans.’

‘I don’t have plans. I don’t celebrate my birthdays anymore.’

Wanting to appear older and in control, she suddenly wished that her hair wasn’t plaited into silly childish braids.

‘Really? Since when?’ he asked.

‘Since I was fourteen,’ she said, her voice bitter.

He sighed sadly and said,

‘I’ll pick you up at six. We’ll talk. I want to spend some time with you.’

‘Ok, dad. But mum and I, we are leaving next month. We are moving to Paris. She’s getting married and I want to go to University there.’

He didn’t speak for a long time, watching her in remorseful fascination. She was so much taller than he remembered, almost as tall as him.

‘That’s good,’ he said finally. ‘Good for you. A new beginning.’

‘Yes,’ she whispered. ‘A new beginning.’

‘I have something for you. It’s in the front seat of the car, have a look.’

‘What is it, dad?’ she said as she walked around the car, unable to hide her excited curiosity.

It’s been a while since she received a present from her father. She opened the door and looked inside a tattered cardboard box that took up the whole seat. The box was filled with old shredded newspaper.

‘A kitten?’ she exclaimed in incredulity, picking up what looked like a tiny orange ball and hugging it tightly to herself. ‘I can’t believe it! Mum will never allow it.’

‘I’ve already spoken to your mother. And I’m sure you can take him to Paris with you.’

‘Oh daddy, thank you!’ she squealed in delight and threw herself into her father’s arms. Looking up at him, she was shocked to see silent tears running down her father’s cheeks. She wiped her own tears off her face, inhaling his familiar scent that instantly reminded her of so many joyful times that they shared together over the years when she was still a carefree little girl and he was still the centre of her world. Smiling, she hugged him again.